I usually enjoy the apricity of the winter months.

Today, however, the ever watchful eye of heaven is making my skin crawl with its attention.

Dermis skitters with the nipping and burning of fire ants.

Their little legs wriggling and squirming just beneath the surface.

An attack worthy of Ares; Helios flanks me with a spear to the eyes rendering me useless in this celestial battle being waged along my skin.

Retreat!

I cry falling to the shadows hoping the eye of heaven will soon grow languorous once more.

Where do you go when the sun is high?

Where do you go when the wind blows by?

Away away

Where?

Away away

Where do you go when yesterday calls?

Where do you go when your name falls?

Away away

Where?

Away away

Where do you go when your name flies?

Where do you go when your days cry?

Away away

Where?

Away away

The Cruelties of my mind do not easily forgive nor do they easily forget.

No matter how often I scream and rave and cry.

The atrocities of my own mind do not easily forgive nor do they easily forget.

One word.

One scent.

One colour flashing before my eye.

I am thrown off a cliff made of glass

Into a sea of thorns and thistles.

Poison ivy like seaweed drags me down beneath the stinging and biting waves.

I reach the bottom and am pierced and stabbed through by shards of broken mirrors

Reflecting my agony back at me so I may watch as again I am thrown from that cliff made of glass.

The sands of time run like a river

Tiny grains of sand abrading the wounds of life

A broken hourglass

Shattered pieces lying on the dilapidated floor

Boards that creak with sould filled screams

Aged wood

Scrapped raw by the feet of bodies already turned to dust

Lives lived amongst terror and pain

Tiny sparks of joy like dust motes float on the currents of last words and dying breaths

They dance beneath the spotlight of the ever present enormity of grief and loss

Shadow like memories cast upon the walls

Shredded wallpaper a screen for the dreams lost and made

Stains dripping with tears decorating the sagging ceiling

The weight of their water logged emotions making it bow and weaken

On the edge of dreams

I can hear the creak of the base boards under linoleum

I can smell the sharp bitter musk of freshly brewed coffee mixed with clean linen and sweet powder

I can still hear the echoing whispers of your favorite TV show playing in the other room

The quick twang of your voice when one of the cats misbehaves

A quite coo of love to the dog

The screech of springs in your well worn chair

Sometimes I can hear the soft words of your reading and the rustleof a page turned

On the edge of dreams I still expect you to be there

Just outside my bedroom door

Just outside my bedroom door

Then, the clouds clear and I remember the dusty box and the sound of your rattling breaths as you left this world

I know you're there.

Laughter

Mocking

Teasing

Degrading

Laughter

Joyous

Loving

Comforting

Laughter

Ringing

Trilling

Shrill

Laughter

Tinkling

Sparkling

Bubbly

Laughter 

Short

Harsh

Melancholy

Laughter

Endless

Soft

Extravagant

Laughter

Silent

Breathy

Small

I hate this. 

My brain is slowly dying. 

I don't know how to live through this.

Everything is excruciating. 

Some of it physically excruciating and some of it mentally.

I don't know what to do. 

I feel so listless.

I feel so dead inside.

I hate this.

The one person that makes me feel better doesnt talk to me because they work all the time.

I don't begrudge them that but still.

I feel so dead.

So alone.

So restless.

I hate this.

I hate my life.

What can I do?

Everything I try to do just turns into endless pain and restlessness that just kills me further.

I don't know how to deal with this.

I just don't know how to deal with this.

I wish somehow I would just die already or disappear, something, anything.

I don't know.

I honestly don’t think I care.

I honestly don’t know what I think anymore.

I wish something would happen; anything at all to be honest.

Hell the apocalypse would be preferable to this listless agony.

I know I should be grateful for being able to live free of hardship and fear.

But, honestly. I fear this endless listless agony.

I don’t know what to feel anymore.

I don't even know if I feel anything but listless anymore.

I fear I don't know anything other than how to be listless.

Now I feel like I am whining endlessly about a hardship that doesn't really exist.

Never ending complaints about things I shouldn't complain about because I live a life that is so free of true hunger, true fear, true hardship.

I feel like I should ask for endless forgiveness for all of these baseless complaints that I can't seem to rid myself of.

I feel as if my life will forever be an endless stream of listless complaints about a good life I do not like for some strange reason.

How can I fix this?

How can I make my life less listless?

How can I become someone worthy of living a decent life when I haven't the energy left to care to try?

I never understood suffering in silence till I realized I was wishing someone would notice my pain.

My muscles locked, my head turned, hiding my tears from the person in the car next to me.

They keep talking back and forth as if my tears don’t exist.

A conversation held between two people behind bullet proof air.

My breath hitches and my chest aches.

I now understand suffering in silence.

I did not choose to suffer and my silence is forced.

To do otherwise is to be the burden I am expected to be.

People say the wind whispers

I say it cries out in pain

People say the trees rustle

I say the trees tell secrets told to them by the stars

People say the birds sing sweet

I say the birds are screaming

People say the grass is greener on the other side

I say the grass grows best and greenest where it is not trampled and cut down to nothing

People say money doesn't buy happiness

I say money is merely the foundation required to build happiness that can thrive

People say life is short

I say life is endlessly tiny,

Moments stretching on and on into oblivion

People say love conquers all

I say love is murderous

It tears apart who you are murdering all that you were making you a new over and over agian until you fit

People say to pull yoursefl up by your bootstraps

I say no one has worn bootstraps in a very long time and bootstraps are not a adequate means of pulling onself up

People say love yourself

I say loving yourself is only possible if you know what it is like to feel loved

People say when one door closes another one opens

I say when one door opens another two or three or even four closes 

Locking and the keyhole jammed and soldered closed from the other side

People say beauty is in the eye of the beholder

I say beauty is in all things. They hold a spot in this life all on their own, they exist. Existence is the true determiner of beauty not the beholder.

I've long since forgotten what it means to be real

The aches and pains of the mortal flesh filter through shards of ice

Piercing my flesh leaving behind white hot scars

Static invades my limbs

Breath stutters, forced out of lungs as heavy as stone

Thirst whispers from behind a wall of iron

Dehydration sings to me a siren song of comfort and safety

Hunger screams

Right next to me

Shoving me into the white rapids

Thrashing I grasp for jagged rocks to pull myself free before I drown

Water grabs and drags forcing me into breathless depths

Dashing me against those jagged strips of safety before pulling me away agian

The words of others hold me tight

Wrapping me in a blanket of warmth

I sleep for a moment

Sweet blessed darkness

So vast and all consuming it makes even death himself jealous

I've long since forgotten what it means to be real

Stories are all I know

Observing

Hanging above

Cataloging the lives of others

Caged inside my own head with the monsters

I don't dare look behind me

They sit waiting with starved eyes

If I notice them they can devour me whole

So I learned to forget what was real

If nothing is real the monsters certainly aren't

It's hard to say words when your heart is screaming

Sounds like glass rip their way out of my throat

Shredded vocal courds dripping scarlett pain

Rendered speechless

Desperate motions trying to beg for a hellow from the packed crowd around me

No one can understand my pleas for help

Still I try

Begging

Pleading

Screaming out in pain

No one knows

No one sees

Bleeding scars

Healed but still dripping with the pain that I live with every day

Every emotion I have ever had moving slower and slower

This living people keep telling me is the best I'll ever have

Every place I've ever been keeps showing me

That living and dying are both wrapped in misery

This place where I am keeps killing me

I live and I die day after day I die and die and die

I wake and love and live and live

Paying my due and taxes my debts and loans

Living and living

Every night I die and die

Every emotion I have ever had moving slower and slower

The ground sucking at my feet dragging me down into a marsh so deep

A bottom I hope to never reach

A bottom I hope I reach before the marsh begins to suffocate me

Coats of grey

Double breasted and velvet crushed

Turnip flavoured clouds

Silvery iron clawed wind

Chittering, chirping and twittering limbs

Swaying and dancing verdant virgin lips

Powder puffed warmth on chilled cheeks

Bleached bone blossoms

Scarlete coagulated blooming buds

Booming guffawed stories and innocent giggles

Sometimes all it takes are the little things

They hold the hands to the timepiece

Tick, tick, ticking around the clocks ancient face

I wished upon a star

But my dreams didn't get very far

When I heard your lonely dream

I knew mine would never be

Hard work and sacrifice

Efforts my heart could never try

Still my eyes trace the skies

Hoping my dreams would come to life